SPOUSAL ABUSE AND THE CHURCH
One day a talk radio show host is giving advice to women who were experiencing physical and verbal abuse from their husbands and boyfriends to leave (or put him out) . A caller, a man doubtlessly abusing his mate called and started accusing the host of influencing women to “break their vows.” The caller’s tirade was never aired due to his language. I began thinking about the true meaning of “vows” this clown was harboring. I have yet to attend any wedding where the woman vowed to take abuse. I suppose there’s a big doughnut hole in his Bible once you get to Ephesians 5: 28-29.
This reminded me of a cable show I watched years ago (this was back during the early days of cable, where virtually anything was allowed to air. Unlike today where cable-TV is a moral utopia), when a bucked-toothed Black man admitted beating his wife and justified it by claiming it was sanctioned by the Bible. Naturally the host asked him to find the scripture of this all-important verse that would stand male/female relations on its ears in, but the wife-beating guest said something along the lines of ‘look, just take my word for it Ok?’ But it made me think of the traditional family, and the seemingly complicit role religion played in its foundation, sometimes to family detriment.
A year or so after my father passed my cousin Roy (22 years my senior, and my father’s nephew) tells me, “you know what drew your father to the Jehovah’s Witnesses? Because back then they told the Black man that you could be the boss of your house.” Actually my parents joined the faith before I was born, but Roy remembered vividly, of course I thought it was always a given that a Black man be head of his family. Then again, back in the late ‘50’s few Black men were boss in anything, so perhaps they needed a reminder, and the idea of a White well-dressed and friendly stranger pitching this new idea to you-as if he were an insurance agent-must have seemed appealing. Understand of course I’ll always love my father, and I’ll always love the JW’s, but I have found that within the mysterious confines of strict religion hides some pretty disturbed individuals.
I recall at least two elders right off hand who were verbally abusive to their wives, and I strongly suspected one of them to be physically abusive. Most of the congregations’ leaders were close buddies with my father, whose own abusive nature stemmed from his misuse of alcohol. Truth be told, leadership in all Black churches was nothing more than a big boys club with few exceptions. The array of Pastors, Reverends, Elders, Ministers and Deacons wanted very little to do with strengthening the Black family back then, the Blue print of Euro-Christianity simply didn’t point them in that direction, and every Black man from factory worker, migrant farmer, to shoe-shine boy can now be somebody on any given Sunday. If they couldn’t control the White man, then by God they’ll control the Black woman. If they were too scared to whup the White man, then yes, the Black woman will do.
The best thing to happen to my father was my mother, she was-and still is-a very tough individual. She played a larger part of teaching Pops right from wrong than religion ever did, sometimes without ever saying a word. One day my mom got into an argument with my father over something she said that he didn’t like, he made the mistake of saying she talked too much (which we all know the sisters to be totally incapable of). My mothers’ reply was a vow not to say anything at all the next day, true to form, the next day arrived and she kept her promise. I mean she went about her usual chores without uttering a single word. My father made several attempts at communication, as did I, but to no avail. Only my older sister--who knew her best--didn’t try to approach her. I was amazed at her focus, her resolve, even today I get an eerie feeling just thinking about it and I was no older than five back then. I remember the next day running to her the first thing, and asking her if she was going to say anything, to my relief she smiled and took me in her arms and said yes. According to my sister, this was my mother’s way of removing herself then.
Ladies, don’t try this at home, my advice is, if you are being abused, get out of the point of immediate danger; the house, apartment, car etc., and enlist the aid of relatives, friends etc., and even the police department. Anything is worth not seeing your name in the obits the next day. And yes by all means be outspoken about it. Its not that I’m picking on religion, other factors apply in abuse, but the link exists.
Black Muslims, Catholics, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Jews, and many Baptists are admired for their orderly looking traditional family structure, and a select number of single mothers in these faiths have done just as great a job in this as well, but Black church-going families are unique in their needs, Black women have fell for the White females’ fight for independence, but have targeted the powerless Black man as her chief oppressor. All the Black man can do against the Black female is beat, harass, berate, and impose too much control over her. Her problem is easily solved by leaving the point of immediate danger until both parties cool off, the White man by contrast controls society politically, economically, religiously (through Judaism and Christianity) and White women have made gains in that. Black families can only succeed in religion by Interpreting their faith accurately, the line between faith and fanatic is wider than it ever was.