Condoleezza's Flying Circus

Maybe the Cell Phone Bandit Should be appointed Secretary Of State.

11.28.05 - And now for something completely different. As of late, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been reportedly shuttling back and forth between Israel Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas early during the week prior to Thanksgiving, from the time she returned from a quick trip to Jordan to pay homage to 57 bombing victims at the very ruins it took place on, to her return to Jerusalem to continue what the Washington Post calls "marathon negotiations" from Monday evening 'til the early hours of Tuesday. This staying up all night trying to iron out an agreement between the Israelis and the Palestinian (AKA Palestinian Freedom of Movement)-two groups that have rarely agreed on anything for 2,000 years-isn't just over the Gaza Strip, but primarily just a section of the strip, one that will allow commercial traffic, trucks etc., and eventually an air and seaport, and be closed to terrorists.

That's right sports fans, our Black, Russian speaking, self-proclaimed "Europeanist" really hates it when Jews and Arabs are shooting and fighting each other. Can't have that. But early last September in New Orleans while Blacks were "looting" and Whites were "finding," and too many police were doing anything-but policing. Rice was nowhere to be found. Blacks were barred from crossing the Mississippi River into Gretna (AKA the West Bank), no Rice to help work on any movement. Thousands died, no Rice in the Gulf to pay any respects, you had to go up 1,158 miles to New York, and maybe you'll catch her at the Shubert on Broadway, checking Monty Python's "Spamalot." or on 5th Avenue. You couldn't catch her at Mississippi's West Bank, but she'll log 5,913 miles to get to Jerusalem's war-torn West Bank.

The willingness of Dr. Rice is striking when you and everyone the world over knows that the region she is so anxious to spend time in is not the safest (a Hamas senior commander was assassinated that same Monday in Jerusalem), couldn't W have sent the Roaming Nome instead? Even the Middle East man's ice is colder than the Black man's. But don't fret people, I think I have found a true Secretary of State that is better suited to serve the needs of good common Americans like yourself. During that period while Condi was out, I took notice of another Black woman (and/or perhaps Hispanic), even younger, who was making the local DC-beltway news. That of a Candice R. Martinez, AKA the "Cell Phone Bandit." Newspaper and radio reporters have been trying to track the progress of this 19-years-old for several days. To many she is simply put, the woman who robbed local banks while engaged in conversation on her cellular phone. But the more the story unfolded, the less I viewed her as a welfare queen gone mad, and the more I began seeing her as the real deal. Sometimes when you all see criminal, I see cabinet member. Don't ask me why. I'm nothing if I can't spot potential.

Allow me please, to break down the adventures, and potential credentials of Queen Candice (that's Ma'dam Secretary Martinez to you), and you tell me whether she can cut the mustard. Like Condi, Candice too is a marathon negotiator, from 1/12 to 11/15 she has allegedly robbed at least 4 Wachovia banks in Northern Virginia by doing little else than standing in the lobby holding a box, while waiting in line for a teller. Upon hearing the "next" signal, she tapes a note to the box and shoves it to the teller. If she feels you aren't taking her seriously she then opens her purse and shows a gun, as she did at one branch. If she feels you are taking a little too long with that money, that means you've actually made her interrupt her phone conversation-not good-at another branch she reportedly said "you're taking too long, you have forty seconds. I need you to empty all the drawers, you have three. The teller complied, and the woman left the bank." Candice is said to only ask for 100s, and 50s, now that's efficiency.

They say she was finally caught after an extensive search and an appearance on "America's Most Wanted." The Post displayed a photographed bank surveillance video of a woman at a teller's window holding the cell phone to her ear (she's definitely a looker) that they believe is Candice. No one knows who she was talking to, but they believe her boyfriend drove the getaway car. Yup, appoint her to that state position and give him a patronage job. How can you not get with this woman? It took weeks, and some 30 tips for police to catch Martinez (don't these bozos know a "stop snitching" T-shirt when they see one?).

Ms. Candy is at least as ice cold as Condi if not more so. She gets things done, were she in Jerusalem she would have given them a fast timetable to reach an agreement or she'd shoot both Sharon and Abbas. Better yet she would have shook her head no at President Bush and refused to even go at all. Hell, all she did was rob a string of Wachovias, aren't they one of the banks to have bought out a preceding institution that profited off of slave labor? She's feeding herself and any kids she may have with slave money. This sister started her own reparations. Don't put her in prison, put her in office. Give her an agency (can't be any worse than some of W's other appointees). I say let Condi have her Gaza Strippers and leave her there, and appoint Candice Martinez to the post of Secretary of State. Can you hear me now? Good.